Do Not Gang Up On Me

I want to tell you a story, but first let me start with this:

Star Fox 64 was hella awesome. Everything about the game is what made the N64 epic.

The multi-player mode I was not so fond of. See, I had these two best friends. One was my brother and the other one was his best friend. Which ultimately meant in video games: destroy the girl first. Star Fox 64 multi-player mode was no exception. They would grab the bombs and blow me up first. And they reveled in killing me (as a team) to watch me cry. They especially loved killing Peppy because he was my favourite person. Sometimes they wouldn't let me play and they would purposely kill Peppy to watch me cry.

Moving on. I had this awesome controller. It was a white/gray see-thru N64 controller that was my absolute favourite. Lemme show you:



That center control stick tore flesh off my palm in Mario Party, but I still loved it.

Awesome, no? But better than that: it had a Boba Fett sticker right on the middle handle. YES, it did. This was before I had that dream that George Lucas made those horrible prequels that gave Boba Fett a shitty back story. Boba Fett was awesome before you knew he was awesome. (I cried as a child when he died in Return of the Jedi, but rejoiced when I read Tales of the Bounty Hunters. Oh, if I were Leia, I would have totally-... er, that's... nevermind.) Anyway, at least those prequels were just nightmares.


Phew, that was a close one, dream world tiny Boba.


So I had the see-thru controller, with an awesome Boba Fett sticker. Imagine it looked like this:




Okay, I never said I was good at Photoshop, did I?

So, let's return back to my childhood. It's Friday: the day we were finally allowed to play video games after a long week at school. Best friend comes over and we all decide to play multiplayer Star Fox. Again, the ganging up begins. After an hour of being tormented and destroyed and watching Peppy die a horrible burning death, I had had enough. I slammed the controller onto the floor and shattered it. SHATTERED it. Like it was an old timey bank window in the wild west and I was a bank robber with a brick. (Just go with me on this, okay?)

I destroyed my own controller. But after explaining to (okay, crying to my parents), they made my brother buy me a new one. Bwa ha ha.

Is the lesson: Kris should learn to control her temper? or:

Do not gang up on Kris?

Exactly.

More Than Meets the Eye, For Sure

Let me start off with this: I grew up with two older brothers. With all the toys my parents bought me, I wanted to play with my brothers' toys. (I was such an inconsiderate brat, right?) My brothers had a huge collection of toys from movies and tv shows of the 80s and 90s and one of the largest was their Transformer collection. When my older brother moved out, guess who usurped all of his Autobots and Decepticons? You better believe it. With that being said, I wanted to share my favourite Transformers from the Gen 1 universe.

The top five:

5) Astrotrain


Posing is okay when you're a triple-changer.

First off, we have to forgive him for being purple. I suppose he could have had himself painted, but he was busy flying the Decepticons through space and, oh yeah, freezing Megatron and Starscream with the help of Blitzwing and ruling the Decepticons for a spell. So he's a busy guy. He transforms from robot to train to spaceship. Okay, maybe the train part was kind of lame because... well, the Autobots won't just lay down on the tracks, will they? The most awesome thing about Astrotrain was his ability to transport the Decepticons. How freaking big are you to have the ability to fly a large amount of angry robots around the planet and the galaxy? He did have some problems carrying them all the way back to Cybertron in The Transformers Movie, which led to Megatron's expulsion into space via Starscream, (That guy never gave up, did he?) but that was after a large battle that resulted in the deaths of... well, we'll save that.

Astrotrain the Gen 1 toy was very easy to transform, so enjoyable to play with. I only wish he had been bigger so I could have shoved Starscream in there and pretended to not hear his whiny screams.

4) Jetfire/Skyfire

Skyfire, unmangled and free to not fly down stairs.

There is only one reason why Jetfire is on this list: the freaking toy. Jetfire was a massive toy, even much bigger than Optimus Prime and close in size to Omega Supreme when transformed. We had a Jetfire growing up. Do you know what happened to him? My brother decided he wanted to fly down the stairs and threw him from the top. I did not know what slow-motion was back then, but I promise you time slowed way the crap down. It felt like the end of an era when Jetfire crashed to the wooden floor, his once indestructible form... well, destruced. From that day on, Jetfire became two toys: his legs and wings were one, the torso was another. Sadly, not even my mechanically talented father could put Jetfire back together again.

My brother received a hairbrush to the head, which required him to get stitches. True story. Or not. What do you care? All you should take from this is Jetfire cannot really fly, nor fire jets, so don't throw him down the freaking stairs, okay?

3)Shockwave

You go ahead and continue obeying Megatron. We know who really rules Cybertron.

Go ahead and say it: WTF?! Why that lame Decepticon? All he did was stay behind on Cybertron and watch over- oh yeah, watch over the whole frickin' planet while Megatron was off galavanting for four million years. That's right, for over four million years, Cybertron was ruled by the Decepitcon without a face, just a creepy laser optic that blinked like lightbrights should have. He is described as being logical, with a processor that chooses actions without emotions. He does not maintain the bloodlust, like other Decepticons. So, he is the Spock of the Transformers universe. That mechanical voice was just the right therapy after listening to Starscream nearly ever episode. His Transformers Universe profile explains that he is a character that sought to dispose of Megatron and rule Decepticons because he viewed it as the "logical thing to do." Cold, Shockwave, very cold.

SPOILER: Although edited out of the movie, Shockwave was initially set for doom at the hands of Unicron. While communicating to the Decepticons to "scramble!" Unicron's hand reaches through the window and crushes the tower in which Shockwave resides. Incorrectly colored versions of Shockwave turned up later, but he was never seen again, presumed dead. Four million years of ruling a planet far more advanced than Earth will ever be and it's Orson "Citizen Kane" Welles that is your demise. RIP, Shockwave.

2)Soundwave

Not a door stop.

How did you NOT see that coming? Do I even need to describe him for you? Soundwave may be outdated by today's standards (because let's face it, Walkmen were the shit back then, but today they are used as doorstops and bookends), but he didn't even need to fight his battles for himself. He had minions for that.

I have two awesome memories of Soundwave: my brother and I loved Soundwave so much that we made our dad make two out of wood for us, complete with an opening, closing lid for tapes. He was Woodwave, Soundwave's nemesis and he was vulnerable to fire and cats. You hear that, Percy? Woodwave did not appreciate that afternoon.

Insert picture of a cat with a "I can has Woodwave?" caption. Stupid ass cat.

The second memory? Snooping through our parent's dresser drawer (not a good idea, I know. "Mommy, what's a Tro-jane?") and finding old, unopened Gen 1 Frenzy to complete our tape collection. Apparently, they had hidden it so well they forgot to give it to us for Christmas. Getting old sucks.

1) Wheeljack

Look at those blue eyes. You stud.

First off, screw you: because I know you didn't see this coming. But I was freaking in love with Wheeljack. If I were a female Autobot (or female Decepticon, whatever, love knows no bounds, even a four million year old war,) I would have given it to Wheeljack every which way this side of Sunday. And he didn't even have a mouth, just blinking ears. He was a Lancia Stratos Turbo racecar. Only about 492 of those cars were made in real life and one was made into an Autobot. That crazy robot either had some serious taste or spent too much time watching Earth racing. He was the most accomplished driver and spent his time performing stunts, in between being a crazy mad scientist inventor and accidently blowing crap up all the time. He could even fly with the rocket fuel in his arms. Yeah. What a man...er, robot.

SPOILER: Transformers: The Movie was terrifying and traumatizing because robots died. The same beloved heroes we grew up with, were destroyed and mangled. Wheeljack didn't even get a death scene. He is just seen being dragged offscreen by Arcee. That bitch. I cried. NO. Really. I cried. Shut up.

Oh, Wheeljack was voiced in the animated series by Chris Latta, the same guy who voiced Cobra Commander. (And Starscream, but I will forgive him because he also gave me Wheeljack.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Grimlock (for knocking the crap out of Wheelie in the movie.)

Wreck-Gar (for being voiced by Monty Python freaking Eric Idle.)

Brawl of the Combaticons (for having all-sorts of sass)

Bumblebee (for once being awesome, but now being reduced to a Burger King commercial by Michael Bay. You sicken me.)